its 2.26am
I refuse sleep
although, i'd much prefer my pretty little dreams to this dizziness i'm feeling atm
but i don't want to sleep

do you, ever have those moments,
where you jst want to. Sit. And think. Whilst listening to music.

that's my right now. at now, 2.27am, listening to saltwater room.

"what will it take to make or break this hint of love?"

quite frankly, i don't know what will break it

i'm beyond confused and i wrote poems about three totally different people.
yes, this is my state atm.

i think, i'm reminiscing each of them
one by one

"time together is never quite enough"

No, it isn't. If i could go back in time, i'd replay my favourite memory of each of them.
God, this isn't healthy nor good for me
Because each of them seem so... so real to me again.
Then i remember the pain each caused, some purposely, others obliviously.

Bang Bang Bang.
i'm being dragged back into the past
and it kind of hurts

my friend read my poems online. she told me "who cares?!"
i do ?

i don't know why this happening,
i don't know why i'm feeling these mixtures of emotions
maybe my mind wants to remember it all
remember the pain of my adolescence
before i metamorphisise into an adult next year?
maybe.

2.34am. i feel like throwing up.
but i still refuse to go to sleep
I want to think
I want to understand myself

Sht, i don't understand myself sometimes
I'm so confused

i think maybe, i'm scared
i feel safe in my memories of these guys
the sense of familiarity calms me
but the sense of longing overwhelms me

i closed these chapters
i healed these wounds
but they're opening again,
one by one

oh my god,
why all three of you at the same time?
seriously, good lord, why

i miss one like crazy, so crazily
i only remember the friendship and pain from another
and i'm fighting off the other

yknow
in this life,
i don't ask for much
i never really have
the only thing i wish for,
is love
to be loved
i wonder how it feels like to be loved?
like. to have someone thinking about you all day
waiting for your call, text
longing your meetings

frick.
it's pointless, because love is something i cannot control
whatever is meant to be
will work out in the end
won't it?

I thought i let go
but my dreams don't let me forget

2.42, the music is blasting at my ears,
im about to faint
and my paragraphs don't flow and aren't making sense
i'm just typing as it comes to my brain.

tomorrow i think i'll just sleep all day
i feel like one of days

i'm the only one who can help herself
but at the moment i'm not dealing with my emotions well
i'm not really dealing at all

2.46am

dark thoughts come into the mind now
sht, i need to work on my epic fail confidence
really really bad

i conclude, that unrequitedness is due to appearance
love is blind my ass

for me, love is blind
but guys are jerks
the face aint good enough
so i aint good enough

EFF YOU
GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW
I WONT FORGET, EVER

okay, that was a random outburst of anger
and oh! how great, now i'm remembering all other types of bullying i endured during my intermediate years

2.49am

my minds spinning like crazy.
no, i'm stronger than this
and i know it
i'm doing this to myself
i'm letting myself hurt like this

but my hearts tired,
mmokay?
it's loved so vehemently for so long
and i guess, its tired of being rejected
i placed my heart in three palms
each time it got squished

ew, yucky. blood.

hahahhaha my entry makes me laugh
ahahha.
so fricken unbalanced
and random

what would fix this is
if i understood why i was left broken hearted each time
i think thats why all of them are resurfacing in my life

god wants me to quit this low self esteem act
and become confident
but i cant become confident until i understand
understand why i was rejected

thats probably why i think so much
it makes me self conscious
and paranoid about who i am
i always have concluded it was my looks

2.53am

I'm not usually like this
I just get like this, when i'm alone
at 2.54am
and thinking

i'm usually really happy
happy chappy
idk wtf is up with me atm though
i'm never like this.. its so arbitrary for me

noone ever sees me like this,
thank god
its so unattractive
but
it's human

we all get like this sometimes right?

i just wish someone was here to hug me right now
wipe away my tears
and tell me that
love will find its way

2.55am
about to faint now from dizziness
aureviour.